Wednesday, May 30, 2012

More Links to Things That You've Already Read

Several months ago I made a post about a new blog that mocks Detroit hipsters. Then it wasn't updated for several months, and I forgot about it. Then it came back for a little while. Here's a little nugget of gold that I wish I had seen earlier:
"Now those of you who are reading this post of mine may be wondering just who the hell I am, and what gives me the right to take such a haughty opinion of others.  Simply, I am an anonymous alter-ego.  A faceless outlet for someone who prefers to remain in the shadows and sling insults from the peanut gallery in order to puncture certain egos and inflated heads when seemingly no one else has the guts or the sense to, through irresponsible and inflammatory offhanded ranting.  Cowardly?  Perhaps.  Hypocritical?  Maybe.

But am I not dead-on target?"
The first rule of Night Market is "You do not talk about Night Market". Then maybe the second rule should be "Don't invite someone from the Detroit News to do a story about Night Market". I guess it must be hard to abide by the second rule if your main goal is to make people jealous with your "secretive, insider-y air".

One more reason not to hang out in downtown Royal Oak.

Maybe Brett Callwood is more obsessed with Amy Gore than I am.

The Tashmoo Biergarten was reopened for one weekend and I missed it. Now when will I be able to combine beer and picnic tables?

Thursday, May 24, 2012

My Lastest Excretion of Links

In a rare example of good judgement, which we're not accustomed to seeing around here, the marshmallow awning by Circa 1890 is finally coming down.

Media consolidation is the #1 reason that radio stations suck so bad. WRIF isn't owned by Clear Channel or Cumulus, so what's their excuse?

Red Bull House of Art Detroit; because nothing showcases the best that humanity has to offer better than Red Bull. Keep a look out for the Scion Shakespeare Company, and the Axe Body Spray Holocaust Memorial.

When the media isn't reporting on things that make us look pathetic, it's reporting on things that make us look ridiculous.

Amy Gore still posts awesome stuff.

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Regurgitation is the Sincerest Form of Flattery

This idea of posting links doesn't work well if I slack off. Good thing I don't do this for a living.

A while back Laura Rock did her own take on a piece Esquire did called  "75 Albums Every Man Should Own". She did it better, so don't bother reading what Esquire wrote.

So first Detroit was called a new hipster capital, and the hipsters' response was, "Detroit is all played out now, let's leave". A recently published list of "America's Best Cities for Hipsters" doesn't mention Detroit at all. They came up with a list of 35 cities, and with much relief, we were spared. Naturally this means that Detroit is the only place left with hipster cred, so they'll all start coming back again.

The Metrotimes put out their Best of Detroit issue, and it has more than enough bullshit to make you vomit all over your keyboard. (I warned you, so continue reading at your own risk)
"For a while now the Loving Touch has been something of a scenester's hub — we say that lovingly."
What a brilliant way to state an obvious truth, while still doing enough ass-kissing to keep the advertising dollars coming in. Does that place still have to reset the circuit breaker whenever they try to power a sound system?
"Slows Bar BQ is out 'cause it's packed with overfed baseball fans from Howell."
Yeah, it's that uncool crowd all wearing similar sports apparel that ruins the place. Blame them, not the other crowd of people all wearing transparently self-conscious faux-bohemian styles that are there on all the other nights.
"The WAB is the punk rock Cheers." "With the Loving Touch nearby, the vibe of the whole place is very punk rock in the sense that it's inviting and warm like a UK local..."
The WAB is about as punk rock as The Gap. Anything that's inviting isn't punk.

I can't stop myself from piling on the Metrotimes. Michael Jackman wrote a scathing rebuke of a piece that Details Magazine did about Detroit. The original article ends with a list of five Corktown businesses to check out. Three of them are on the same block, and are either owned by the Cooleys, or have their space rented to them by the Cooleys. A fourth is just across the street. An article truly worthy of scorn, and since Details isn't local, the Metrotimes staff doesn't piss themselves when they so much as contemplate printing the rebuke. Of course they still have to kiss the asses of the local people that were mentioned.

Graffiti artists from around the country are starting to converge here. They're attracted by the lowered likelihood of arrest, and the surplus of neglected buildings. We can now see what the kids are trying to imitate, and we're starting to get new murals. Will there be a race to cut them out of the walls? Will the people living right next to it be able to tolerate art tourists?

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

S'more Links

The New York Times can't even run a story about a new ad campaign from General Motors without mentioning Slow's BBQ.

I wasn't sure about this whole Record Store Day thing, but now that there's going to be an exclusive variant edition from Jamiroquai sold on that day, I'm totally in.

I always thought that if the subject of race were to come up in regards to the Nain Rouge march, it would be about persisting de facto segregation. I guess not. I think the de facto segregation discussion would be more interesting, useful, and based in facts.

Over at the Metrotimes, in two climatic, nail-biting sentences, we're led to believe that Brett Callwood might say something bad about the work of a peer. Thank God that didn't happen. What a relief.

Nick Chevillet of The Handgrenades tells Mick Collins, "Get outta the way, old man!". (I may have paraphrased a bit)

The bodies of the two women who were kidnapped before the Blowout have been found. Peoples' Facebook pages aren't blowing up over it, so I think someone should mention it.

Kind of old news, but the Majestic complex updated their site. Now with a twitter feed. Yay...just what society needs, more bombardments of useless information via twitter.

Amy Gore continues to be rad. Is there no end to how rad she is? (NSFW)

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Links and Stuff

I don't post here very often. What few readers I have often give up waiting for me to post again. Before my last post, it took me two months until I had something to say. The solution is to take my standards for content, and bring them even lower. I'm going to do that by just posting links to stuff.

I've never found Amy Gore so interesting. (NSFW)

The Theatre Bizarre guys get hit for the wrong reason, in the worst possible way. They never deserved more than a slap on the wrist from the city, the forced adherence to some reasonable safety codes, and the occasional sniping about how they run their events. The city should be grateful for anyone that isn't making the city worse. How is it that the owner of the Packard Plant never had to face misdemeanor charges?

The guys behind the Burton Theatre are making another go at it. Maybe this time the line-of-sight will be improved, and every screening will start with reminders of all the manners their hipster-leaning crowd tended to forget.

Not Detroit related, but the most awesome Craigslist ad ever was taken down. Lucky for us, other sites have recorded it for posterity.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Crossroads Indeed


Did you make it to the Blowout? Every band, and every single thing there was great. There wasn't anything bad at all. Nothing whatsoever. On that rare occasion that someone had to hear something they didn't like, it's only because the performers were either too young or too old to be a part of the listener's social circle.

Back in reality, where standards aren't relative, something awful happened Friday night. All-around swell guy Tonio David Dace decided that he wanted more in life. Proving a slew of awful stereotypes full time just wasn't fulfilling the potential that was only hinted at in his motto, "I FUCK HOES N GET MONEY". His charm just wasn't enough to enable him to accomplish his harem fantasy, in keeping with the first part of his motto. To rectify this, he kidnapped three young women attending the Blowout, who had just gotten out of The Painted Lady and into their van, so that he could sexually assault them (a fourth woman got away). In keeping with the second part of his motto, he later urged one of his victims to get money out of an ATM, which provided the opportunity for police to catch him. (Source)

Since I didn't provide "A Band's Guide to the Metrotimes Blowout" this year, I'll provide an aftermath guide for various parties
  • To the media in general: In keeping with the ethical standards of journalism, you have all refrained from naming the victims. Well done. Go a step farther and refrain from describing the acts which comprised the sexual assault. Unless the victims want to come forward and reveal them, keep it under wraps for the sake of their dignity. (I will not provide the link to make my case. You'll just have to trust me when I say that one outlet went too far in their description)
  • To the Metrotimes: You've released two issues since this happened, and you have not yet publicly acknowledged this crime. Put aside your pride for a moment, and remember that you're supposed to disseminate information above all else. Since hundreds of people could talk of nothing else for the following week, your silence is appalling. I'll offer you a compromise. If you can acknowledge that the crime happened, where it happened, and when it happened, you can leave out that the victims were there for your event.
  • To the Dace family: Don't say ridiculous things. Telling the media "He didn't do this", and "He was in the wrong place at the wrong time", just makes your family look worse. He was caught in the act. No one is going to believe that three women who had just been horribly victimized felt that it would be a great time to pick up a hitchhiker. Everyone already thinks that you're awful for creating, harboring, and failing to instill morals into a sociopath. While you're at, don't try to give the "innocent until proven guilty" line. The members of the public that have at least half a brain don't need to wait for the judicial system to tell them the obvious. You should just lay low for a few years, and not speak to the media unless you want to express your condolences to the victims.
  • To the owner, staff, and regular patrons of The Painted Lady: I understand that it's only natural that you're going to be wracked with thoughts of "It could have been me", of "I could have done something to stop it", but it's not productive or helpful. It can also sound like you're kind of making it about yourself. This tragedy has more to do with the breakdown of the social contract amongst the urban underclass than anything else.
  • To people asking for sympathy for completely unrelated events: Don't ask the public for help for relatively trivial problems that only affect you. Real tragedy has a sobering effect on people, and causes them to ponder who in the world really needs help. I realize the timing isn't your fault, and you might have even scheduled something before the horrific crime took place, but maybe you shouldn't exploit the concept of charity for the next few months.
  • To the members of the general public that have expressed outrage: Be aware that you barely reacted when two women outside your peer group were kidnapped a few days earlier. They still haven't been found, and kidnapping victims that aren't found alive within 48 hours rarely survive. Many of you lumped the crimes together after the fact, but everyone knows you weren't that motivated until it hit closer to home. As for letter writing campaigns, send them to Wayne County Prosecutor Kim Worthy. Judges are supposed to remain objective, and therefore really shouldn't be reading those types of letters until there is a guilty verdict, and the sentencing hearing is scheduled.
  • To the peers of the victims: If you don't have specialized training to counsel this type of victim, don't offer any unless directly asked. Even I know better than to offer any. Also, be more careful about what you're expressing on facebook. Unintended hints were given that might have allowed someone to identify a victim.
  • To the young woman who was almost the fourth victim: If anyone even tries to suggest that you should have done more, or hypothesizes on what they would have done in your place, you are entitled to strike, stab, or shoot them. The law doesn't agree, but I'm sure there are scores of sympathetic people willing to collude and provide an alibi for you.

This doesn't belong under the heading of a guide, so it doesn't deserve a bullet point. I know the chances are slim that one of the victims are one of my five readers, but I'd like to express something to them anyways: I'm so sorry this happened to you. Multiple governmental institutions, and maybe even American society at large failed to prevent this. (Also, don't scroll down any further. This post ends with an image you might not be ready to look at)

As we all wait impatiently for the wheels of justice, we'll have to settle for this:

You also have the option of getting yourself thrown into Wayne County Jail on some pretense, just for the opportunity of punching this walking colostomy bag in the face.

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Detroit Hipsters

My creepy but humble blog gets traffic from some odd search results. I'll get traffic from searches like "orange jeans" (all those searches originate in Europe), "marcie bolen jason stollsteimer", and even "jeremy freer douche". The keyword search phrase that gives me more hits than all of those combined is "detroit hipsters". Aside from a few posts mocking their fashion cliches, I don't have much material on the subject. I now finally have a place to redirect all that traffic. The brand spanking new blog But *I'm* Not a Hipster. You're Welcome.

And for all you Brooklyn jag offs, stop combing through the internet for references to Detroit hipsters. Hope all you want, but Detroit's hipster population will never reach a height that will alleviate the hipster stigma of your own neighborhood. You've got more hipsters in two city blocks than Detroit has in all of its 143 square miles.