Monday, March 1, 2010

A Band’s Guide to the Metro Times Blowout

A lot of people will be writing guides for the spectators on what bands they should be see during the Blowout. No one ever thinks of the bands that will be playing the Blowout for their first time. They could also use some instructions.

First of all, once the schedule is released, you should immediately complain to Eve Doster Whatsherface. You have to tell her that you should have been booked at a larger venue, and at a later time. The first schedule is tentative anyway, and no matter what you’ve done, or haven’t come close to doing, you have to act like you deserve more than the other 199 bands.

Part of your compensation as a performing band is that you get several admission wristbands to give out to people you know. You must be very selective about who you give these wristbands out to. They should only be given out to the most entitled people, the people who rarely pay to get into local shows, and who’ve never paid to get into the Blowout. If they don’t blurt out “I’ve never paid to get into the Blowout!” at least 5 times for every day of the Blowout, then you chose the wrong person to give it to.

On the day of your performance, it’s imperative that you don’t start on time. Starting late is the best way to broadcast that you’re better than the Blowout, and everyone else involved in it. You have to be certain that you’re increasing on any delays caused by the bands that performed before you at the venue that day. So if the band that’s directly before you started playing ten minutes after they were scheduled to, you should start playing at least twenty minutes after your band is scheduled to.

For the rest of the time that you’re at the Blowout, only go see the bands that your friends are in. That’s what half the people do there anyway. When you’re at their performance, don’t pay too much attention to their show. Remember, you’re really only there to be seen, and to receive accolades from random people that saw your set, and to then pretend that you feel awkward receiving said accolades.

On the other hand, if you’re really only there to get some more exposure for your band, and to pick up some new fans who had the good fortune to stumble into a small smoky bar during your set, you could just choose to not act like a primadonna.

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