Thursday, October 14, 2010

Scenester Douchetard of the Week: Bobby Harlow

"I'm so retro I can time travel without a flux capacitor"

Bobby Harlow, your devotion to all things retro has got to be the strongest commitment the world has ever seen. You say “ahoy-hoy whenever you answer the phone. You listen to all your music on a victrola. You do your taxes with an abacus. You buy all your shoes from the town cobbler. You only shave with Burma Shave products. You take your dates out to get “malteds”. You even wipe your ass with corn cobs. Buddhist monks will spend their whole lives trying to match that level of commitment.

So you once spent a whole year listening to nothing but the Beatles? Did it teach you that they cribbed from Chuck Berry, Everly Brothers, Harry Nilsson, Brian Wilson, Carl Perkins, Bob Dylan, Sun Ra, Little Richard, and John Coltrane? No? That’s shocking! Any chance you’ll spend a whole year listening to nothing but those acts?

Bobby Harlow, for all these reasons and more, you are Broke in Detroit’s Scenester Douchetard of the Week.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Matty Moroun Buys Theatre Bizarre

Theatre Bizarre’s Halloween party is coming up! October 23rd! Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! It’s the best Halloween party ever! People from other continents will fly all the way over here just to be at this party. Did you manage to get a ticket before they sold out after just three days? They were pretty pricey this year. It was $55 a ticket for the first 500 sold, and $65 a ticket for the other 2000. That’s got to add up to quite a lot.

Let’s do the math. I’ll make sure to show my work so that the teacher won’t take any points away from me:

(500 X $55) + (2000 X $65)

$27,500 + $130,000


Theatre Bizarre has grossed a lot of money. It’s great that a local event is so successful. I just can’t understand why Theatre Bizarre is playing the role of the pauper. Here’s a compilation of pleadings made by the Theatre Bizarre people over Facebook (done in the character of a zombie or something):

Theatre Bizarre Here we go... To all those who've pledged their loyalty to Zombo... To every one of you who has professed a desire to be a part of our unforgiving bitch goddess... your time has come. Beginning this Thursday, we will need bodies EVERY night; men and women who are prepared to work for the greater bad. Add your blood a...nd sweat to the unholy, pulsing body that is Theatre Bizarre. Learn what it is to truly be inside.

September 13 at 8:48pm

Theatre Bizarre Tonight, it begins! Come to Theatre Bizarre and sweat for Zombo. Bleed for Zombo. Slave for Zombo. There is no pre-registration. There is no job application. Just bring your ass and your undying devotion down to the grounds, seek out the grumpy old man and tell him that you will do anything he asks. Let the display of your devotion commence...

September 16 at 12:23pm

Theatre Bizarre The faithful arrive and Zombo is well pleased.

... and yet, Zombo requires tribute and for now, he'd like it in the form of wood chips. Zombo needs servants and wood chips each and every night.

September 16 at 8:44pm

Theatre Bizarre Zombo is not pleased. You say you love Zombo. Many of you even chose to come down and demonstrate that love in a physical way (actually, THAT pleases Zombo). What displeases Zombo is the hollow promises of wood chips by the ton being delivered to the grounds. We. Need. Wood. Chips. More than you can imagine. Bring wood chips. Earn Zombo's love.

September 19 at 2:11pm

Theatre Bizarre RE:Wood Chips.

If you'd like to arrange for the delivery or pickup of wood chips, please call Ken at 248-(REDACTED). Do not call Ken for any other reason or Zombo will use your soul to pick his teeth. Ken cannot get you tickets. He cannot book your band.

September 19 at 2:33pm

Theatre Bizarre Zombo has been asked to remind you of the three things we need: old propane/gas tanks, wood chips and volunteers. If you are in a position to provide any or all of these resources, please do.

September 21 at 12:40pm

Theatre Bizarre Wanna see some of Theatre Bizarre's exciting new secret developments? Why not come on down tonight and volunteer? Plenty of work to be done and surprises around every corner...

October 8, 2010

After you’ve done your part and volunteered for Theatre Bizarre, try to find the time to help billionaire slumlord Matty Maroun clean the interior of his giant relic. There just aren’t enough people pitching in and doing their part in this city.

Or you could just tell Matty Moroun to buy his own god damn woodchips.