Thursday, October 7, 2010

Matty Moroun Buys Theatre Bizarre

Theatre Bizarre’s Halloween party is coming up! October 23rd! Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! It’s the best Halloween party ever! People from other continents will fly all the way over here just to be at this party. Did you manage to get a ticket before they sold out after just three days? They were pretty pricey this year. It was $55 a ticket for the first 500 sold, and $65 a ticket for the other 2000. That’s got to add up to quite a lot.

Let’s do the math. I’ll make sure to show my work so that the teacher won’t take any points away from me:

(500 X $55) + (2000 X $65)

$27,500 + $130,000


Theatre Bizarre has grossed a lot of money. It’s great that a local event is so successful. I just can’t understand why Theatre Bizarre is playing the role of the pauper. Here’s a compilation of pleadings made by the Theatre Bizarre people over Facebook (done in the character of a zombie or something):

Theatre Bizarre Here we go... To all those who've pledged their loyalty to Zombo... To every one of you who has professed a desire to be a part of our unforgiving bitch goddess... your time has come. Beginning this Thursday, we will need bodies EVERY night; men and women who are prepared to work for the greater bad. Add your blood a...nd sweat to the unholy, pulsing body that is Theatre Bizarre. Learn what it is to truly be inside.

September 13 at 8:48pm

Theatre Bizarre Tonight, it begins! Come to Theatre Bizarre and sweat for Zombo. Bleed for Zombo. Slave for Zombo. There is no pre-registration. There is no job application. Just bring your ass and your undying devotion down to the grounds, seek out the grumpy old man and tell him that you will do anything he asks. Let the display of your devotion commence...

September 16 at 12:23pm

Theatre Bizarre The faithful arrive and Zombo is well pleased.

... and yet, Zombo requires tribute and for now, he'd like it in the form of wood chips. Zombo needs servants and wood chips each and every night.

September 16 at 8:44pm

Theatre Bizarre Zombo is not pleased. You say you love Zombo. Many of you even chose to come down and demonstrate that love in a physical way (actually, THAT pleases Zombo). What displeases Zombo is the hollow promises of wood chips by the ton being delivered to the grounds. We. Need. Wood. Chips. More than you can imagine. Bring wood chips. Earn Zombo's love.

September 19 at 2:11pm

Theatre Bizarre RE:Wood Chips.

If you'd like to arrange for the delivery or pickup of wood chips, please call Ken at 248-(REDACTED). Do not call Ken for any other reason or Zombo will use your soul to pick his teeth. Ken cannot get you tickets. He cannot book your band.

September 19 at 2:33pm

Theatre Bizarre Zombo has been asked to remind you of the three things we need: old propane/gas tanks, wood chips and volunteers. If you are in a position to provide any or all of these resources, please do.

September 21 at 12:40pm

Theatre Bizarre Wanna see some of Theatre Bizarre's exciting new secret developments? Why not come on down tonight and volunteer? Plenty of work to be done and surprises around every corner...

October 8, 2010

After you’ve done your part and volunteered for Theatre Bizarre, try to find the time to help billionaire slumlord Matty Maroun clean the interior of his giant relic. There just aren’t enough people pitching in and doing their part in this city.

Or you could just tell Matty Moroun to buy his own god damn woodchips.


  1. I think a lot of $$ goes to supporting local bands, and running the power for this thing, and making the lights and then putting them on. Can you imagine the taxes on a property like this? Despite its location, it's got to be something. Thank god TB is there to enjoy. Love it if you want, and put some sweat in with the others if you are up to it - and enjoy being a part of it - but don't pretend to imagine how much money a show like this costs to put on.

  2. "don't pretend to imagine how much money a show like this costs to put on."

    I don't really have to do a lot of pretending here. Thanks to the internet (the taxes on all properties are public record) I can surmise that they pay $7392 a year in property taxes on the properties they own, which is less than 5% of gross revenue. If they happen to own more than the 6 properties that I've been able to identify, then you should know that in that neighborhood a property with a house on it will have taxes averaging about $1200, and a property that no longer has a house will have taxes averaging about $60 a year. You're free to do your own calculations, but I highly doubt anyone will be able to prove that they pay more than 10% of their gross revenue towards property taxes.

    Check for yourself:

    As for what they pay to the bands, most local bands around here are accustomed to making 3 figure sums for their performances. I'm sure Goober and the Peas will get more than that for obvious reasons, but the vast majority of the acts booked there aren't making more than 3 figures for the night.

    I'm not opposed to someone making a return on investment when they've taken a risk and created something of value. After all, we are not Communists. You are either an enterprise that makes a return on investment, or you're a non-profit.

    Here is their latest pleading:
    "Theatre Bizarre needs your help NOW. All hands on deck. We need people and lots of 'em, starting now and going around the clock until the fat lady sings. No preregistration. No specific time. Just come and work."

    The state has double digit unemployment. Put a few unemployed carpenters to work for a few days, and pay a handful of unemployed unskilled laborers $10/hour in order to get the more menial shit done. If you speak as though you're a charitable organization, or play the "Help me with my homework and I'll let you sit with me at the cool kids' table in the cafeteria" card just so that you can improve your profit margin, then you're a major league douchebag.

    Buy your own god damn wood chips, Matty Moroun!



  4. Yeah, and now this:

    "Theatre Bizarre flunks city inspections, moves to Fillmore"

    That really sucks. The people that come out for events like this are typically pretty awesome, and they deserve better.

  5. Dear Orville,

    Your'e speculations are making an ASS out of U and ME. Theatre Bizarre is a labor of love that most people wouldn't understand or comprehend, especially a cynical fuck like yourself. I'm inviting you down to take a look at our books, you will see where every dime for this event goes, and at that point I'd like you to shove all of this straight up your ass.

    thanks for your support,
    John Dunivant
    (seriously, come on dowm, I'm not hard to get ahold of)

  6. Well said Mr. Dunivant!

  7. Dear Orville,

    My Apologies, I've been having a bad couple of days and snapped a bit, but I still invite you down to look at our books, maybe then you can get behind us and see how wrong you are.

    John Dunivant

  8. Oh boy, oh boy! I was starting to think that -jr was the only person still reading this blog. I had hoped to get the attention of Zach Weedon (this blog is the #1 search result for that name), but this is almost as good.

    How about you scan the books, throw the pictures online, and remove everyone's doubts?

    "My favorite part... stopping by the real Theatre Bizzare (sic) and being given twenty questions to come to a party I paid for. After having been annoyed enough at the state...Honestly, it's done, you guys can kiss my ass." -Eddy (REDACTED)

    Wow. After reading that and several other online comments and complaints from various sources, I gather you guys had a semi-secret after-party at the Theatre Bizarre grounds. You had security guards keeping out all the unconnected people, right? Those security guards were paid for with money you took in from ticket sales, yet contributing to your after-party security didn't merit ticket holders at least a quick look around at what was built with ticket revenue in the last few months. That's a dick move. If that after-party included consuming the beer that was paid for with ticket money, that would be a douchetard-of-the-year move.

    If you have any time left between bouts of righteous battle with incompetent fucktards at the city, try to let ticket holders at least get a look at the site. If you can't find some way to give them some of the beer they paid for, sell it off and save the money for next year's wood chips. Or direct some of it to that Dale guy we've been hearing about (for those that don't know, someone involved with TB was assaulted pretty badly at the corner gas station, or at least that's what I've heard). After people have paid $65 for a ticket, and even more for a cash bar (yes, I know that part isn't your fault), they might not have much left for tomorrow night's benefit for Dale over at the Painted Lady with the $7 cover.

    You don't ever have to apologize for snapping here. I highly encourage it. Whenever I observe cliquey behavior and insular attitudes that tarnish what would otherwise appear to be unique talent and stellar attractions, I snap and write horrible blog postings that contain a lot of run-on sentences.

    P.S.- It's a shame that your van and the art piece inside was stolen. You do realize that the crackhead who stole it probably isn't on facebook, probably sold it to the chop shop by the time you noticed it was gone, and threw your art piece onto the side of the road, right?

  9. Dear John,

    While it may be possible that I reached the wrong conclusions about your finances (it would still take a lot of convincing and some solid numbers to convert me; after all, you actually sold 2700 tickets instead of 2500, source :, I still think you owe ticket holders some answers in regards to my follow-up comment from October 28.

    In all sincerity, good luck on your battles with the city, your efforts to recover your stolen art work, and I hope that Dale guy will make a full recovery.

  10. God, things like this make me wish I still had blog access on a regular basis...