Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Cover Yourself Up, You’re Not Decent

So a while back, some other bloggers properly mocked all the repetitive write-ups about Phil Cooley and Slow’s BBQ. I figured that topic was already covered, and that some of the pseudo-journalists would feel embarrassed about rehashing what’s already been discussed to death. Apparently not. Huffington Post had to go draw from the same overused well all over again. Phil Cooley is the greatest person of the day? For fucking Christ's sakes…

Hey Phil, you know what you have in common with these people?
You’re all overexposed, and everyone is tired of hearing about you. Even Paris Hilton got the hint after a while, and decided to not chase after the limelight so much.

For all the journalists and pseudo-journalists (I'm looking at you, Charlie LeDuff), who might come across this posting by accident, there are a few things you should consider before you hand in another derivative write-up about Phil Cooley. First of all, being on seven advisory boards really isn’t that noteworthy. Chances are, Phil probably isn’t saying anything revolutionary, and the only thing potential entrepreneurs need to hear that they haven’t already been told a dozen times already is “Here is how you convince banks to give you a business loan…”. So unless Detroit’s economy can be saved by learning how to do the magnum pose, don’t glorify his presence on seven advisory boards.
"You can totally get the bank to give you a business loan by giving them the magnum pose"
"I taught Phil Cooley everything he knows"
Furthermore, stop using Slow’s BBQ as an example of urban renaissance. Slow’s BBQ is an outlier. In the field of statistics, an outlier is the most extreme observation, one that deviates markedly from other members of the sample in which it occurs. Slow’s BBQ did not kick-start a wave of successful businesses investment in the Corktown neighborhood. Anyone remember the Mercury Coffee Bar across the street from Slow’s? How long did that stay open for? Two days? Any activity on the “GOLD CASH GOLD” building a few doors down from Slow’s? How about the CPA Building across the other street? Anything going on at all on Michigan Avenue west of the train station? Did the rumor that people have been hearing for several years about a Slow's takeout location in Cass Corridor ever amount to anything more than a fart in the wind? The only visible development to happen as the result of Slow's BBQ's success has been a new parking lot between the building that housed the Mercury Coffee Bar, and the vacant Roosevelt Hotel building.
It’s nice to see that Torya Blanchard and her business Good Girls Go To Paris managed to get a little press coverage in between Phil Cooley write-ups. I’m not entirely sure what the hell a crepe is supposed to be, but so long as someone doesn’t tell me that it’s going to be an hour and a half wait to get a table, just for the sake of making your place look like the hottest thing ever (the wait is never actually that long at Slow’s), I might be willing to find out.
Having a somewhat recognizable pretty girl walk in at just the right time in that video is a little schmaltzy, but so long as I don’t have to hear about Blanchard every other day, I wish her the best of luck. And if she needs someone to do the driving as she throws unsold crepes at Slow’s front door, I’m totally in.

5 comments:

  1. my first time on your blog. interesting. please correct me if i'm wrong on the basics of "your thing" : phil cooley sucks because he works hard, helps the community when possible, started a popular bbq joint,gets a lot of press and is good looking? bobby harlow is a douchetard because he writes a bunch of catchy songs, records them, really really likes the beatles,and some people in the world actually enjoy his music? etc etc etc etc....and your qualifications to arbitrate the significance of the output of these people to the city of detroit? oh yeah you know how to work a computer. fair enough. just curious, do you live in detroit or ferndale?

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  2. "my first time on your blog. interesting. please correct me if i'm wrong on the basics of "your thing" : phil cooley sucks because he works hard, helps the community when possible, started a popular bbq joint,gets a lot of press and is good looking?"

    You missed the point. Read the post again.

    "bobby harlow is a douchetard because he writes a bunch of catchy songs, records them, really really likes the beatles,and some people in the world actually enjoy his music? etc etc etc etc...."

    He writes a bunch of catchy songs? I won't opine on whether or he does or not. I try to stay away from critiquing the musical content on here, because the content isn't the problem. The Beatles fixation, while being rather myopic, just ties into the whole retro obsession overdose theme, which you really didn't try defending.

    "and your qualifications to arbitrate the significance of the output of these people to the city of detroit? oh yeah you know how to work a computer. fair enough."

    Are you new to this whole internet sensation? Are you suggesting that if I spent a year interning at Metro Times, processing ad order from prostitutes, I would be qualified?

    "just curious, do you live in detroit or ferndale?"

    Orville Oglethorpe only exists on the internet. Sort of like Bruce Boxleitner in Tron (Oh God! We're finally going to get a sequel to that movie!), except that I don't get one of those awesome cyber motorcycles. If only I had an awesome cyber motorcycle...

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  3. hi again - second time on your blog.

    re:"Are you new to this whole internet sensation? Are you suggesting that if I spent a year interning at Metro Times, processing ad order from prostitutes, I would be qualified?"

    no not new. not suggesting anything, just making sure you were aware of the requirements for critical bloggery.

    scenester (plural scenesters)

    1. (music) A non-musician who is active in a particular musical scene.

    yes, this is from wikipedia. what does it mean? well, i guess it means the talented folks that you pick on on your weblog are by definition, not scenesters, and you "orville", are a true SCENSTER DOUCHETARD! bobby, craig, zach, phil etc. all make up their respective "scenes" and you are an active non-musical participant in said scenes.

    if you are a musician, and i suspect you are (whoa pathetic by the way)then you're just a semi-anonymous jealous LOSER(and not the cool SUB>POP/BECK 90's sorta LOSER), that happens to be better at blogging than writing songs.keep up the good work.

    - Oliver Wendell Douglas

    p.s. so you live in royal oak then?

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  4. Yay! I've been jealous of -jr for so long. He has a recurring nemesis that calls himself "-jr sucks", and all I've ever had is one time commenters who never come back again. It made me feel so abandoned. Now I have a nemesis that's all mine. Christmas has come early, and I now feel complete. You should register that name as a unique blogger log-in so that future commenters won't try to commit an act of identity theft and coast on your success.

    Turns out I was wrong about the Slows To Go thing never opening, as it just finally has. Well, good for Slows, and the Cass and Alexandrine intersection. Well, you know what they say about being a cynic, you're either right or pleasantly surprised. While I might have been wrong about one example that I cited in order to support my point, I still stand by everything else in the post.

    Mr. Douglas, now that you've exposed the low standards for critical bloggery, the whole internet will now fracture and implode. Well done sir.

    Pick on? If I ever resorted to lines like "you're ugly", or "your girlfriend is fat", then this blog could be described as bullying. What I do is mocking and satirizing. Keep in mind that I don't mock the musical content they create. While I might not say it here, it's quite possible that I really like the content that one or more of my targets have created. That's not going to stop me from saying "get the fuck over yourself" after witnessing the affectations that distract from their music. One can call Liam Gallagher an insufferable twat without it being a reflection on the music of Oasis.

    I'm going to have to disagree with that definition of a scenester. I won't defame the intellectual authority of Wikipedia, because I'm not above using it. If I haven't already used that as a source in a previous post, I'm sure I will eventually. The way that I and many others (although maybe not the people you associate with) use it, is to identify anyone who sees the Detroit music scene as a social strata first, and a loose network of creative types connected by coincidental geography second. The kind of people who have turned it into a cliquey, self-aggrandizing circle jerk. The types who divert energy and focus from what's right with Detroit music to all of the bullshit. The people who make new or potential local music fans say "Fuck this shit and fuck these scenester douchetards. I'll look elsewhere to find new music". Musicians and non-musicians alike can fall into this category. I kind of touched on that in the very first post. http://brokeindetroit.blogspot.com/2009/08/relevance-of-scenesters.html

    You seem a little selective about what scenesters you defend. Is Jason Stollsteimer, Jeremy Freer, and Stirling's Pants not worthy of your love? It's interesting to see who get's defended in the comments section of this and other blogs, and who doesn't. I think I might have to personally start the Jason Stollsteimer Anti-Defamation League in order to assure that someone will defend him when he's being ridiculed on the internet. (I sincerely don't understand why he's a target so often, while others are praised like sacred cows)

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  5. Yes, I am a musician. I've played a red plastic recorder since the 3rd grade. I'm going to start playing solo shows any day now. I'll dress in unmatched vintage clothing, and have my hair cut in a proto-mullet style. That way people will all agree that I'm kitschy and self-aware, and not a hack at all. Everyone will nod along and say how great I am because they don't want to be accused of "not getting it".

    Mr. Douglas, I will live anywhere you want me to, anywhere that will make me look hip, anywhere that will gain me the approval of the scenesteratti. Let's meet at the Loving Touch tomorrow at 6:00 P.M. (I'm sure it's perfectly safe to assume that you're a regular there), in whatever section people are trying the hardest to look aloof in. Let's both wear scarves indoors while we're there, so that we'll be able to spot each other. We'll go in your car and you'll show me all the approved places to live, and I'll put a security deposit down immediately on any dwelling that receives your endorsement.

    "and you "orville", are a true SCENSTER DOUCHETARD!"

    Whoa! All capital letters! It's the internet equivalent of a tactical nuclear bomb. That's so intense.

    Yes, I'm a semi-anonymous loser. Making a whopping 29 posts (some of them consisting of only 2 paragraphs) in the course of 16 months is definite proof that I spend all my time in front of a computer, so I won't deny it any more. Here's my picture:
    http://t1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:pTYRiiEJeK3sGM:http://i172.photobucket.com/albums/w16/rnw1964/Fat-Nerd-computer.jpg&t=1

    There's not enough people calling out elements of the scene for their bullshit, and people embedded in the scene typically won't do it for fear that it will end up threatening their social position. It takes a semi-anonymous loser to do this very important job.

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