Alright -jr, I'll take the bait. I'm kicking myself for not finding this before you did, but I still want to get in on it before a certain other site does.
After contacting C3P0, I managed to translate what the suited Ewok was saying.
"All hipsters should come on down to 510 S. Washington in downtown Royal Oak to buy vintage clothes and accessories that were probably picked up by the store owner at a garage sale. Even though downtown Royal Oak has been really bourgeois for a while now, being there gives you a great opportunity to give smug looks to all the mundies. While you're in the store, you can hone your aloof and above it all attitudes against those of the staff and fellow shoppers. 10% percent discount for hipsters who are willing to admit that they used to have a closet filled to the brim with Abercrombie & Fitch. Ask about our specials on absurdly inflated price t-shirts that were originally sold at K-Mart 25 years ago. Store wifi is for Macbook owners only. This message has been insured against mockery by a 'If you don't like this , you're just not getting it and you're not hip' policy, underwritten by Billyburg Casualty Corpopoly LLC. All requests for internet rebuttals will be fulfilled in two business days or less."