Thursday, September 30, 2010

Scenester Douchetard of the Week: Jason Stollsteimer


"Thanks for not using that other picture of me"

Jason Stollsteimer, I have to apologize for being so late in giving you this award. The vast majority of the scenesterati got together and decided that you were a pariah and a laughing stock, and I’m not entirely sure why. I needed time to understand why you’re so frequently ridiculed. It couldn’t be because of the altercation with He Who Must Not Be Named. What did that have to do with anyone else anyhow? Perhaps if you had been the victor, or outsold your combatant, people would have sympathized with you more. After all, greater success from you would have made an association with you so much more valuable. I suppose there’s a small possibility that your slowly evolving position on who produced what might have something to do with it.

There has to be more than that to generate so much animosity. I’ve done some extensive research, and I think I’ve come up with several other factors. There’s the tax thing. Scenesters hate nothing more than inside traders, embezzlers, and tax cheats. White collar crime gets their blood boiling. Perhaps people are jealous that your song was used for the intro on a cable television drama. When you find out that your own song isn’t going to be used because no network wants to pick up Gary Busey’s sitcom pilot, it really burns your ass to see someone strutting around and making it rain with their FX channel money. There was that one time that you told Marcie Bolen that her hair was "a little too red", and she cried. Totally a dick move. I couldn’t possibly leave out the time that you double dipped into the salsa at Jim Diamond’s house party, which of course resulted in a lawsuit. The lawsuit isn’t for contaminating the salsa, it’s because Jim Diamond believes he played a role in the creation of double dipping, and that he deserves royalties for it.

Jason Stollsteimer, for all these reasons and more, you are Broke in Detroit’s Scenester Douchetard of the Week.

(Everyone, try not to say anything mean about Jason in the comments section. His grandmother might read it)