Thursday, January 13, 2011

Missing Person: JRC

JRC hasn’t made a blog posting in almost a month. People who know and love him don’t know his whereabouts, and they’re concerned for his safety. Here at the Broke in Detroit Tactical Response Unit, we’ve been compiling a lot of promising leads and we’ve developed a few theories.

1. After walking out of The Crofoot in Pontiac one night, a group of dude-bros who were leaving Tiki Bob’s Cantina saw JRC, and upon seeing his backwards baseball cap, assumed that he was one of their own. They pulled him onto their date rape party bus, and dragged him along on their tour of terror. After prolonged exposure to their bizarre rituals, and consumption of copious amounts of Jaegermeister, he is beginning to exhibit signs of Stockholm Syndrome. He was last seen hanging out of a party bus window with a bottle of Bud Light in his hand, shouting “Get some!”.

2. He has been sent on a clandestine mission by the U.S. State Department to Belarus. There he is teaching his blogging skills to the resistance movement trying to overthrow the autocratic government. With this knowledge, the movement will be able to bypass the government’s restrictions on the press and free speech. He of course had to replace his backwards baseball cap with an ushanka in order to blend in.

3. JRC came in to possession of a diary written by Jim Diamond in the 90’s. This diary contains many cryptic clues that point to the existence of an ultra rare vinyl pressing, believed to be the accidental recording of three minutes of Meg White tuning new heads for her drum kit. Since only one copy exists in the whole world, it must therefore be priceless. He is determined to find it, no matter how dangerous the search is, or how far he’ll have to travel by planes that leave trails of solid red lines. JRC has no interest in making a profit off of this item. He is a man of principle, and he insists that its proper place is in a museum.

4. He is starring in an off-Broadway adaptation of Huckleberry Finn. This is a revisionist version, and his role is Baseball Cap Jim, in place of N****r Jim. Audiences are riveted as Huck and Baseball Cap Jim try to escape the limited and hollow options offered by the mainstream record companies.

5. Late one night Jasper and JRC were cornered by a group of bullies in the park. Jasper lashed out, stabbing and killing one of the bullies. They had to hide out in an abandoned church out in the countryside. After a week of hiding out, they ventured into a nearby small town to eat a proper meal. When they got back to the church it was on fire, presumably as a result of them being careless with their cigarette butts. A group of children out on a field trip were trapped inside the burning church. Jasper and JRC rushed inside to get them out, but unfortunately Jasper suffered major burns and a broken spine after the roof collapsed on him. Jasper’s dying words to JRC were “Stay gold, Jimmyboy”.

6. After many failed attempts to convince Mick Collins to release The Dirtbomb’s cover of Sharevari as a 7” on Five Three Dial Tone Records, JRC felt he had to resort to desperate measures. Employing a radical new method of thought inception, he managed to bring Mick’s subconscious mind into his own. While they were in a dream, within a dream, within a dream, JRC’s projected self was killed by a manifestation of Ko Melina, who crushed his skull with a bass guitar. Ko is very crafty, and proactive. She had already constructed defenses in the subconscious minds of all her band mates. Since time in a dream within a dream, within a dream, passes exponentially slowly compared to real time, JRC has spent what seems to him as several lifetimes lost inside the unstructured ether of subconsciousness. The effect can rot someone’s brain, and JRC is currently lying in a persistent vegetative state, with no chance of recovery.

7. A family of French fur trappers that have been secretly living on Belle Isle for generation after generation for 300 years killed him. They thought the red pelt on the lower half of his face would fetch a good price.

8. Both Jasper and JRC were madly in love with Liz Wittman. Believing that Liz had chosen JRC over him, Jasper killed JRC in a fit of jealous rage. After letting it decompose in his basement for a few weeks, Jasper cleverly dumped the body. It is currently encased in ice in the basement of the old Detroit Public School Book Depository, across the street from Michigan Central Station. The tragedy of these events are heightened by the fact that Liz was actually completely oblivious to how either of them felt, as she assumed that they were completely gay for each other.

9. He woke up on December 18th, 2010, and declared “Blogging is lame. I’m totally over it”.

JRC, if you’re reading this, please let us know that you’re still alive. We’re worried. Very worried.

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