"And I looked, and behold a pale bike rider: and his name that sat on that rider was Beard, and Hell followed with him. And power was given unto them over the fourth part of the earth, to kill with sword, and with hunger, and with death, and with the beasts of the earth."
Greg Baise’s Beard, you are quite a lustrous pelt. The dark labyrinth of your dense foliage has ensnared more travelers than the Black Forest during the middle ages. You provide habitation to more woodland creatures than the San Diego Zoo. You withstand the brutal elements better than RuPaul’s wig.
People think you’re non-threatening and benevolent like Greg is, but I know just how sinister you really are. You’re the one who convinced Greg to quit working at the Majestic and take the job as talent buyer over at the Crofoot, aren’t you? You just couldn’t be happy at a place that was somewhat centrally located in the metro Detroit area? You claim it was because the Crofoot has better acoustics, but you really just wanted to lure more people into date rape alley. You are more malicious than Hitler’s mustache, more calculating than Atilla the Hun’s goatee, and more brutal than Pol Pot’s pubes.
Greg Baise’s Beard, for all these reasons and more, you are Broke in Detroit’s Scenester Douchetard of the Week.