Thursday, October 4, 2012

Echo Chamber



This latest blurb over at the Metrotimes couldn't possibly be a reaction to me, could it?

Monday, October 1, 2012

Outdated Links

The Silver Lake neighborhood of Los Angeles was named "America's Best Hipster Neighborhood". Now all the hipsters there will declare it to be played out, and look for other places to infest. Detroit was one of the few major cities left off of the list, thereby giving Detroit more hipster cred. We should expect more hipsters to start migrating here as a result. Let's form our own Minute Man militia to guard the Michigan border.

Vice Magazine can't talk about Detroit without mentioning Slow's BBQ. Instead of drawing this out for years, can we just have all the New York city based publications get their fascination with Slow's out of the way? We can host a big media conference, and all of those reporters can line up to suck Phil Cooley's dick.

Brett Callwood finally had the chance to review the new album by the object of his desire, Amy Gore. In a shocking twist, he utterly despised it, and listening to the whole album caused him immense suffering. From the second the first song start, he couldn't stop vomiting. During the third song, all the hair on his head and body fell out chemo-style. Before the fifth song ended he had uncontrollable rectal bleeding. We don't know when he lapsed into a coma, but his coworkers found him slumped over his desk with large puffy scabs where his ears used to be.

If you have some free time, send some ex-lax laden pastries to Saginaw Correctional Facility.

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Most Revered

Brett Callwood at the Metrotimes continues to try to prove that he's a more fanatical stalker of Amy Gore than I am.


I not only compare everything to Amy Gore, I've based an entire system of measurement on her. For example:

"Train A leaves station 1 traveling at 35 amygores per hour, weighing 1243 amygores, heading in the direction of station 2. Train B leaves station 2 traveling at 43 amygores per hour, weighing 976 amygores, going in the direction of station 1, on the same track as train A. What will be the total amount of kinetic energy involved in the crash, measured in amygores?"

Suck it, Callwood!

Friday, July 20, 2012

Prophets and Saints



Phil Cooley was able to take some time off from walking on water to receive the 434th stroking of his ego. The people at the New York Times were getting carpal tunnel syndrome from all the stroking they've done, so now it was Vice's turn. Vice has already shown that they can come to Detroit, do a retread of what others have already done, and pass it off as an original.

Monday, June 25, 2012

Crime and Punishment



We didn't have to wait as long as we feared for justice to happen. The highlights from a recent article:
Tonio Dace stood quietly before Wayne County Circuit Judge Patricia Fresard today as she ordered him to spend 15 to 45 years in prison for sexually assaulting three women in March.

Dace, 21, of Hamtramck pleaded guilty earlier this month to one count of carjacking, three counts of kidnapping, three counts of armed robbery, three counts of first-degree criminal sexual conduct and one count of assault with intent to commit criminal sexual penetration.

He did not make a statement before he was sentenced.

...

“How would you feel, if you have any humanity left, if this had happened to one of your loved ones?” Fresard asked Dace.

[Defense attorney Wyatt] Harris told the court Dace pleaded guilty to try to ease the situation for the victims.

“This was the most deplorable acts. . .on random citizens,” Fresard told Dace. “There doesn’t seem to be a rhyme or reason for this.”

15 to 45 years seems a bit ambiguous to me. This means that after the first 15 years advocates for the victims will have to appear at regularly scheduled parole hearings to make sure this degenerate stays in his cage. I hope that everything that I've heard about the pariah status of sex offenders amongst the inmate population is true. I also hope that the Wayne County Prosecutor's office will achieve equal or greater sentences for these new scumbags. (Yeah, Hamtramck Police really use a Google service to publish their police logs now)

Considering that a publication located over 2000 miles away reported on this verdict (albeit a re-posting from Associated Press), maybe the Metrotimes should get around to mentioning it.

Also, how is it that I announced the verdict before Hamtramck Star? You can't slip out a silent fart at a city council meeting without that site archiving the event for all time.

Friday, June 15, 2012

The Dead Sea Scrolls



Here's an excerpt from a zine called Fuck Everything that's being passed around. Or maybe it came from some bulletin board. Whatever. I've tried to keep it in its original format as much as possible. That includes a few obvious spelling mistakes, and the nonsensical drivel at the very end. Some of the material seems like it must be from farther back than 2004, but until the results of the carbon dating comes back from the lab, I'll just have to take the date at face value.

Remember zines? The "publishers" would have to ask around to everyone they knew, find out who worked at an office, and if they could scam free copies after hours. It's so much easier to just spew drivel onto a blog. Hurray for progress!

In a distant future, what new format will reprint my awful rants?

______________________________________________________________________________


Posted 25 February 2004 - 12:09 PM

DETROIT SCENE REPORT

The Detroit scene has been shitty ever since the French got here in 1701. And now it's at an all time low. Take the Wednesday Family Funciton at Alvin's. They say it's the hippest night in town, but really all it is is a place where 15 year old white chicks go to scare their rich suburban parents by blowing as many black dudes as possible. I'm not sure what kind of shitty music they play here, or if it's music at all. Mostly it sounds like someone farting into a synthisizer and you can't tell when one boring dirge ends and another begins. The only things intertesting being mixed here are stiff drinks for my underage friends. The only good thing about this shithole dump is that the chicks bathroom is at the top of a steep flight of stairs surrounded by tables for your perverted viewing pleasure. At least you can get a boner for your $5.00 cover.

Speaking of shit holes I wouldn't be caught dead in, there's Zoots. The place is named for some flea bitten doberman and if there's a single square inch of this dump the dog hasn't pissed and/or shat all over, I've yet to find it. That's the up side compared to the hopelessly wimpy indyfags who play there, or the pencil dicked assholes who come to listen. Even worse than the fact that Greg Baise hangs out there every night is the fact that it's so cramped that you can't avoid having him bore you to death with trivia about bands so shitty that even Matt Smith thinks they suck. Between the "music" the crowd and the mere threat that Michael Cooper could walk in at any time, there's nothing about this joint that doesn't suck shit. I recently heard that this dive closed down, but to tell you the truth I wouldn't notice if it had.

The most interesting thing about Detroit is that it sucks in about ten different ways at once. Take the East Side, for instance. At least before I-696 was built it was hard to accidently get to the East side, and even better, it was harder for people from the East Side to escape. Imagine the worst shit you ever took, and then imagine eating it. Then you'll be ready for the East Side. Bands like Walk on Water, Forehead Stew, and Big Block suck in a way that no other band in Detroit could ever hope to suck. The East Side is the land where Punk Rock never happened, where dickheads with feathered hair traded in their Iron Maiden records for Soundgarden records and let their mustaches grow into goatees sometime last year. If you've ever hated someone so much that you wanted to kill their whole family, chances are they came from the East Side. Fuck this place in the ass with a tree trunk.

They say Royal Oak was cool about 10 years ago, but then again the people who say that are usually former East-Siders or Ann Arborites who were so desperate for a place that didn't suck shit, that they mistook this backwoods redneck dump for a real city. These days, it's nothing but a millionth-rate Melrose: overpriced resale stores, crappy yuppie restaurants, and brain-dead punk rock kids with Misfits tattoos hanging out on the street trying to scare people like my parents, who could give a shit anyway. Apart from shoplifting from Off the Record, there's no reason to ever waste your time in this fuck hole.

Hamtramck is the place where old punk rockers go to escape the riducule of the world. And now that the incredibly shitty Falcon club has turned into the even shittier Motor Lounge, it's also the place where cigar-smoking, lounge-music listening suburban fuckwads go to hang out with their rich, trendy, shithead friends who have to drive an hour to get there and then pay some retard $5 to park their car on some Serbian family's lawn.

But if rich over educated hippies are what you hate, take a little ride to one of the shittiest places in the world, Ann Arbor. It's impossible to decide who sucks more the frat boy jock assholes, or the greasy, hippy, stupid hat wearing punk retards who make up the so called underground scene. In one fucked up day, some old fat ugly hippy whore gave me shit for cold cocking Shaky Jake, some zit faced fuck at Village Corner confiscated my fake id, and I got a ticket for torching an anti-aparthied shanty. I don't care that the Stooges or the MC5 took shits there a million years ago, You'd have to go to San Francisco to find music worse than what comes from here. It's hard to describe the Ann Arbor sound, except to say the only truly happy Ann Arborites are the deaf ones.



DETROIT'S INDIE SCENE: WHAT A BUNCH OF FUCKING ASSHOLES

Everyone knows that indie scenes everywhere all suck my fetid ductbutter, but Detroit's is especially rank, and should be avoided like a Gallagher concert. Detroit's scene sucks so bad, that even if you're from fucking Ohio you'd swear that everyone in it had to be joking. But even if they were, it's about as fucking funny as that meatwhistle Tim Allen. The only saving grace about the Detroit indie scene is that the same 6 or 7 shitheels make up practically all of Detroit's lame-ass indie bands, which makes wasting them all with one grenade a very tempting possibility. You don't have to know that that pretentious pansy-ass fuckhead Warren (who calls himself Warn, just to prove how much he sucks) DeFevre fucks that alien/ vampire-looking chick from Godzuki to know how inbred and ugly the Detroit indie scene is. Even a fucking Canadian would notice that the only people at the fucking shows are the other unbelievably bad bands who are on the bill.

All through history, Detroit's bands have been characterized by having no musical talent, no imagination, and the readiness to snag the shittiest fucking band names ever. Sure, His Name Is Alive may sound shitty enough to make you wish you were listening to the actual Beach Boys, but what the fuck does that name even mean? And let's not forget that that tubesteak Warn not only klicked it on stage with a Nick Cave Mullett in Elvis Hitler (I could shit a better band name), but also was in the unforgivably shitty Snake Out, who covered the Hockey Night In Canada Theme and got laid for it. These assholes are not simply lame. They should be killed. What I've been put through by bands like His Name Is Alive, Mog, Godzuki, Free Wade, Aces High, Fuxa, Windy and Carl, and Princess Dragon Mom is a million times worse than anything Hitler ever did.



BIG IN DETROIT

Anywhere else, they're humiliated and ignored, but in the cultural backwater of Detroit they're the most popular assholes in town

Becoming well known in Detroit is about as difficult as shitting your pants, but not nearly as cool. So imagine how fucking stupid you'd have to be to actually think that you're hot shit because your picture was in Orbit. Really fucking stupid, that's how. These people are better known for being pathetic assholes than for anything they've ever tried to do. But people like Hobey Echlin, Niagara, and Bill Bonds actually think people give a shit about what they do, when in reality they've never done anything not worth burning.

Being an egomaniac and a shithead is one thing, but being an egomaniac and a shithead in Detroit is utterly pathetic. When all you can say is that Thom Jurek thinks you're the best thing since the last shitty thing he liked, it's time to hang yourself. If there were any justice in the world, Niagara and that fat smelly cokehead who calls himself The Colonel, along with anyone who was ever in the Stooges, Destroy All Monsters, Negative Approach, The Romantics or the Trash Brats, would all be doing hard time. But no, they're out there making assholes of themselves as if to remind us that not only did Detroit suck 15 years ago, it sucks now and will most likely suck forever. Fuck the crime rate, carjacking, crack cocaine, and Coleman Young, these assholes are what's really wrong with Detroit.



Top 10 Things to Hate About Hobey

10. His name9. He smokes cigars8. Majesty Crush7. He's thinks he's a median. He wants to be an actor. He plays in a ska band4. Anything he's ever written3. dbass2. He's a greasy-haired asshole1. He's a junkie



DETROIT HALL OF SHAME

by Tokin' Strickland

Motown: If it wasn't for this boring happy-ass dreck, there'd be no oldies stations to piss me off today.

Alice Cooper: Could there be a bigger faggott anywhere? That bald fag Matt Pinfield on MTV is ten times as scary as Alice Cooper will ever be.

Bob Seger: It was as true then as it is now: If you have a beard, you suck.

MC5: I once saw Rob Tyner on the street, and he was dressed like Maude, but he was way fatter. At least he had the sense to die before the reunion tour.

Stooges: If Iggy was ever cool, I don't know what the fuck happened to him, because today he's one of the biggest assholes I've ever seen.

Ted Nugent: Proof positive that in Detroit, any hillbilly retard can be a rockstar.

Destroy All Monsters: Too old to be punk, and too lame to be hippies, these art fucks have never been able to convince anyone that they're any good, so they became Dark Carnival and really started sucking.

The Bonerz: If you thought only new punk rock bands suck nuts, think again. These guys were shitty way back when Sid Viscious was still shooting up.

Negative Approach: I saw a guy in record store who claimed to have been the singer of this band, but I told him that he was just an old hippie. The next day, I saw the same guy digging through garbage trying to find returnables, so it might have really been him after all.

Majesty Crush: Their former band, Spahn Ranch, used to sit down to play. But their even wimpier next band, Majesty Crush sat down to pee.

Mule: They were called Nigger Lover, till they wimped out and went P.C. and became N.L. Mule, and then just Mule. A lot of junkies think they're great, but most people just think they're the worst band ever.

Getaway Cruiser: This year's next big thing, next year's last next big thing.

SLEEP - Chris Gerrard looked older than my dad, and he used to sweat so much he was like a fucking human sprinkler.

Big Chief - I don't understand why anyone would ever want to pretend they were black, but I also don't see why anyone would ever want to be on Sub Pop. The day this band held the press conference to announce their breakup is now a statewide bank holiday.

Hoarse: For fans of the Goo Goo Dolls, Soul Asylum, and No Doubt

I.C.P.: White guys who dress like fuckin' clowns and sing rap music to white brats. Something this stupid could have only come from Detroit.

Kid Rock: White rap for assholes. Vanilla Ice with Tourrette's

Techno: Thankfully, most people in detroit don't even know what that word means.

Beer on the Penguin: Played Paychecks to seven people for seven years, then broke up.

Trash Brats: Look like the New York Dolls, sound like the Toy Dolls. Have been playing to the same forty people for nearly forty years.

Polish Muslims: This is the first local band to have a member die of old age, but I'm sure it won't be the last.

The Romantics: They say this band was a one-hit wonder. I wonder what that hit was.

Salvador's Deli: Only people in Ann Arbor could think of a name this fucking stupid (see also Park the Karma, Walk the Dogma, Surreal Estate, Clitty Cat, and Arwulf Arwulf)

Map of the World: If Talking Heads actually were retarded, they would move to Ann Arbor and be this band.

The State: Shitty enough to be popular among people who write for Maximum Rock N Roll. Too bad everyone there hated them too.

Mitch Ryder: Made his career singing other people's songs. Spent his spare time sucking other people's dicks.

The Up: They wanted to be the MC5, but turned out to be the SUCK5.

Grand Funk Railroad: Their names were Mark, Don and Mel, and they expected people to believe they could rock. Proof positive that Flint, Michigan is in fact the shittiest place to live in the world.

Coldcock: Their single was called "I wanna be rich" and now the singer sucks cock as an A&R man for Sony.

Figures on a Beach: Everyone called them Fags on a Beach. Everyone was right.

Youth Patrol: Their 30 second songs seemed to last an eternity.

Fate Unknown: For some stupid reason, every shitty hardcore band used to have a theme song, and this one was the very worst of them all.

Cult Heros: Their talentless singer was notable only for being the only black white panther.

The Affiliated: They were Affiliated, everyone else was infuriated.Someone once got an Affiliated tattoo. They've since had that limb removed.

Urgent Action: If God took a shit, it would be this band.

Cynicide: Still shitty after all these years. They claim to be the first punk rock band in Detroit. They also claim they don't suck.

Crossed Wire: Sounded like 1982 U2 in 1987. They may have been hopelessly dull, but at least they were unoriginal.

The Volebeats: The only thing funnier than these suburban jackassess lame attempt at a country band is Matt Smith's rapidly thinning hair.

It's Raining: Not only has Matt Smith been in enough bands to fill at least five lifetimes, but he can also claim the distinction of having been in the very shittest band of all time.

Cathouse: Has anything ever been as annoying as the cacklings and shriekings of the pretentious art-fuck theater chick who sang for this band? Even people who didn't hate them called them Catbox.

Angry Red Planet: The annoying mugging and hate-worthy antics of the bass player made Flea from the Not Good Chili Peppers look like Keith Richards.

3-D Invisibles: Too bad they weren't the 2-D Inaudibles.

Gargoyle Sox: Goth. From Detroit. Need I say more?

Hunting Lodge: From Port Huron. You guess the rest.

Second Self: Their album sucked so bad they couldn't even get their own label to release it. Andy Nehra now goes around telling everyone how cool he is.

Shock Therapy: The singer's name was Itchy, but his current wife refers to him as the Fat Retard.

Herb Tarlicks: These assholes have a lot to answer for, having spawned an endless stream of "wacky clothes and funny songs" theme bands. Death is too good for them.

Goober and the Peas: The best part of their live show was when the singer hit the midget in the ass with a board. They were so stupid they went around telling everone that they would get booked on the Tonight Show because someone used one of their T-Shirts to clean up Jay Leno's vomit.

Bobby East: Says he's 25, but he's really 55. But he doesn't look a day under 75.

Motor Dolls: Three whores who wish they were L7

Solid Frog: should be called runny dump, formerly known as Slam Circus. These guys suck bad!

Mog: Fucking suck!Fucking suck!Fucking suck!

Wig: the last time these dudes had a show, people were wearing powdered ones!

Only a Mother: only a mother fucker could dig this offense to the ear.

Laughing Hyenas: see Negative Approach

Fuxa: Pronounced like "fuchsia" but sounds like "shit."

See Dick Run See room clear. See ears bleed.

Slot: After they kicked out the dirty hippie, they started making music that you might expect to hear at funerals, only funerals are usually much more fun.

Sponge: had their mothers used sponges, we wouldn't have to endure these ninnies' 15 minutes of fame.

Vudu Hippies: I don't think there's ever been a good band in history that had the word Voodoo in their name.

The Variac:Formerly known as Forehead Stew. Better known as the Very Wack.



Media in Detroit

Metro Times: So shitty it makes you wish you couldn't read.

Jam Rag: I'd like to jam a rag down the throat of the stupid hippie asshole who publishes this piece of shit. It's been said that this mag has been responsible for more people leaving this city than the 67 riots.

Orbit: I don't know anyone who's ever read this mag, but they say it really sucks shit. It may be free, but judging from the bundles I see in dumpsters everywhere, they can't give it away.

Motorbooty: To be honest, I don't really care what these boring college snob asswipes write about, all I know is there's never pictures of hot indie chick snatch, so who the fuck cares.

Hour: I heard the chick who publishes this waste of paper is hot, but even if she came over and blew me, I would still hate it.

The Free Press and Detroit News: When some of these old fucks went on strike, they combined the two papers to try and make one good one. But still I'd rather wipe my rancid ass with a fistfull of broken glass than with this paper.

Etch: Slightly less shitty than the rest of the crap around here, at least I can keep up with the St.Ignace VFW hall gigs, but since they called my band poseurs, they should suck my nuts.



Detroit Radio

89X:This so called cutting edge station is the home of fucked up sellout goatblower bands like the Smashing Assholes or Rage Against the Latrine. They should take the cutting edge and slash their own wrists.

The Planet So bad they actually want to be like their brothers in shit, 89X. If they have one decent record there, I'll felch a drifter on TV.

WRIF You're never more than five minutes away from the worst song ever written if you're stupid enough to dial up this crap. Arthur P. (short for peckerwood) is the hairy old asshole I always hear on here who makes me want to fuck myself up with a claw hammer.

WDET Public RadioYou'll find no relief from the diarrhea that you got from WRIF if you accidentally turn the knob a little to the right, because you'll step right into a big pile of shit known as public radio. I'd rather clean a public toilet with my tongue than listen to public radio

The RiverBetter known as the rimmer, if you like lesbian folk or if you wear diapers welcome home fuckhead.

The Bear:I wish compound bows could backfire, because it would be excellent if Ted Nugent killed himself in a hunting accident and spared us the misery inflicted by his show.

WHFR:The radio equivalent of cable access garbage, more dead air than a graveyard.
Take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back.
0

#4   timpop

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

More Links to Things That You've Already Read

Several months ago I made a post about a new blog that mocks Detroit hipsters. Then it wasn't updated for several months, and I forgot about it. Then it came back for a little while. Here's a little nugget of gold that I wish I had seen earlier:
"Now those of you who are reading this post of mine may be wondering just who the hell I am, and what gives me the right to take such a haughty opinion of others.  Simply, I am an anonymous alter-ego.  A faceless outlet for someone who prefers to remain in the shadows and sling insults from the peanut gallery in order to puncture certain egos and inflated heads when seemingly no one else has the guts or the sense to, through irresponsible and inflammatory offhanded ranting.  Cowardly?  Perhaps.  Hypocritical?  Maybe.

But am I not dead-on target?"
The first rule of Night Market is "You do not talk about Night Market". Then maybe the second rule should be "Don't invite someone from the Detroit News to do a story about Night Market". I guess it must be hard to abide by the second rule if your main goal is to make people jealous with your "secretive, insider-y air".

One more reason not to hang out in downtown Royal Oak.

Maybe Brett Callwood is more obsessed with Amy Gore than I am.

The Tashmoo Biergarten was reopened for one weekend and I missed it. Now when will I be able to combine beer and picnic tables?

Thursday, May 24, 2012

My Lastest Excretion of Links

In a rare example of good judgement, which we're not accustomed to seeing around here, the marshmallow awning by Circa 1890 is finally coming down.

Media consolidation is the #1 reason that radio stations suck so bad. WRIF isn't owned by Clear Channel or Cumulus, so what's their excuse?

Red Bull House of Art Detroit; because nothing showcases the best that humanity has to offer better than Red Bull. Keep a look out for the Scion Shakespeare Company, and the Axe Body Spray Holocaust Memorial.

When the media isn't reporting on things that make us look pathetic, it's reporting on things that make us look ridiculous.

Amy Gore still posts awesome stuff.

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Regurgitation is the Sincerest Form of Flattery

This idea of posting links doesn't work well if I slack off. Good thing I don't do this for a living.

A while back Laura did her own take on a piece Esquire did called  "75 Albums Every Man Should Own". She did it better, so don't bother reading what Esquire wrote.

So first Detroit was called a new hipster capital, and the hipsters' response was, "Detroit is all played out now, let's leave". A recently published list of "America's Best Cities for Hipsters" doesn't mention Detroit at all. They came up with a list of 35 cities, and with much relief, we were spared. Naturally this means that Detroit is the only place left with hipster cred, so they'll all start coming back again.

The Metrotimes put out their Best of Detroit issue, and it has more than enough bullshit to make you vomit all over your keyboard. (I warned you, so continue reading at your own risk)
"For a while now the Loving Touch has been something of a scenester's hub — we say that lovingly."
What a brilliant way to state an obvious truth, while still doing enough ass-kissing to keep the advertising dollars coming in. Does that place still have to reset the circuit breaker whenever they try to power a sound system?
"Slows Bar BQ is out 'cause it's packed with overfed baseball fans from Howell."
Yeah, it's that uncool crowd all wearing similar sports apparel that ruins the place. Blame them, not the other crowd of people all wearing transparently self-conscious faux-bohemian styles that are there on all the other nights.
"The WAB is the punk rock Cheers." "With the Loving Touch nearby, the vibe of the whole place is very punk rock in the sense that it's inviting and warm like a UK local..."
The WAB is about as punk rock as The Gap. Anything that's inviting isn't punk.

I can't stop myself from piling on the Metrotimes. Michael Jackman wrote a scathing rebuke of a piece that Details Magazine did about Detroit. The original article ends with a list of five Corktown businesses to check out. Three of them are on the same block, and are either owned by the Cooleys, or have their space rented to them by the Cooleys. A fourth is just across the street. An article truly worthy of scorn, and since Details isn't local, the Metrotimes staff doesn't piss themselves when they so much as contemplate printing the rebuke. Of course they still have to kiss the asses of the local people that were mentioned.

Graffiti artists from around the country are starting to converge here. They're attracted by the lowered likelihood of arrest, and the surplus of neglected buildings. We can now see what the kids are trying to imitate, and we're starting to get new murals. Will there be a race to cut them out of the walls? Will the people living right next to it be able to tolerate art tourists?

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

S'more Links

The New York Times can't even run a story about a new ad campaign from General Motors without mentioning Slow's BBQ.

I wasn't sure about this whole Record Store Day thing, but now that there's going to be an exclusive variant edition from Jamiroquai sold on that day, I'm totally in.

I always thought that if the subject of race were to come up in regards to the Nain Rouge march, it would be about persisting de facto segregation. I guess not. I think the de facto segregation discussion would be more interesting, useful, and based in facts.

Over at the Metrotimes, in two climatic, nail-biting sentences, we're led to believe that Brett Callwood might say something bad about the work of a peer. Thank God that didn't happen. What a relief.

Nick Chevillet of The Handgrenades tells Mick Collins, "Get outta the way, old man!". (I may have paraphrased a bit)

The bodies of the two women who were kidnapped before the Blowout have been found. Peoples' Facebook pages aren't blowing up over it, so I think someone should mention it.

Kind of old news, but the Majestic complex updated their site. Now with a twitter feed. Yay...just what society needs, more bombardments of useless information via twitter.

Amy Gore continues to be rad. Is there no end to how rad she is? (NSFW)

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Links and Stuff

I don't post here very often. What few readers I have often give up waiting for me to post again. Before my last post, it took me two months until I had something to say. The solution is to take my standards for content, and bring them even lower. I'm going to do that by just posting links to stuff.

I've never found Amy Gore so interesting. (NSFW)

The Theatre Bizarre guys get hit for the wrong reason, in the worst possible way. They never deserved more than a slap on the wrist from the city, the forced adherence to some reasonable safety codes, and the occasional sniping about how they run their events. The city should be grateful for anyone that isn't making the city worse. How is it that the owner of the Packard Plant never had to face misdemeanor charges?

The guys behind the Burton Theatre are making another go at it. Maybe this time the line-of-sight will be improved, and every screening will start with reminders of all the manners their hipster-leaning crowd tended to forget.

Not Detroit related, but the most awesome Craigslist ad ever was taken down. Lucky for us, other sites have recorded it for posterity.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Crossroads Indeed


Did you make it to the Blowout? Every band, and every single thing there was great. There wasn't anything bad at all. Nothing whatsoever. On that rare occasion that someone had to hear something they didn't like, it's only because the performers were either too young or too old to be a part of the listener's social circle.

Back in reality, where standards aren't relative, something awful happened Friday night. All-around swell guy Tonio David Dace decided that he wanted more in life. Proving a slew of awful stereotypes full time just wasn't fulfilling the potential that was only hinted at in his motto, "I FUCK HOES N GET MONEY". His charm just wasn't enough to enable him to accomplish his harem fantasy, in keeping with the first part of his motto. To rectify this, he kidnapped three young women attending the Blowout, who had just gotten out of The Painted Lady and into their van, so that he could sexually assault them (a fourth woman got away). In keeping with the second part of his motto, he later urged one of his victims to get money out of an ATM, which provided the opportunity for police to catch him. (Source)

Since I didn't provide "A Band's Guide to the Metrotimes Blowout" this year, I'll provide an aftermath guide for various parties
  • To the media in general: In keeping with the ethical standards of journalism, you have all refrained from naming the victims. Well done. Go a step farther and refrain from describing the acts which comprised the sexual assault. Unless the victims want to come forward and reveal them, keep it under wraps for the sake of their dignity. (I will not provide the link to make my case. You'll just have to trust me when I say that one outlet went too far in their description)
  • To the Metrotimes: You've released two issues since this happened, and you have not yet publicly acknowledged this crime. Put aside your pride for a moment, and remember that you're supposed to disseminate information above all else. Since hundreds of people could talk of nothing else for the following week, your silence is appalling. I'll offer you a compromise. If you can acknowledge that the crime happened, where it happened, and when it happened, you can leave out that the victims were there for your event.
  • To the Dace family: Don't say ridiculous things. Telling the media "He didn't do this", and "He was in the wrong place at the wrong time", just makes your family look worse. He was caught in the act. No one is going to believe that three women who had just been horribly victimized felt that it would be a great time to pick up a hitchhiker. Everyone already thinks that you're awful for creating, harboring, and failing to instill morals into a sociopath. While you're at, don't try to give the "innocent until proven guilty" line. The members of the public that have at least half a brain don't need to wait for the judicial system to tell them the obvious. You should just lay low for a few years, and not speak to the media unless you want to express your condolences to the victims.
  • To the owner, staff, and regular patrons of The Painted Lady: I understand that it's only natural that you're going to be wracked with thoughts of "It could have been me", of "I could have done something to stop it", but it's not productive or helpful. It can also sound like you're kind of making it about yourself. This tragedy has more to do with the breakdown of the social contract amongst the urban underclass than anything else.
  • To people asking for sympathy for completely unrelated events: Don't ask the public for help for relatively trivial problems that only affect you. Real tragedy has a sobering effect on people, and causes them to ponder who in the world really needs help. I realize the timing isn't your fault, and you might have even scheduled something before the horrific crime took place, but maybe you shouldn't exploit the concept of charity for the next few months.
  • To the members of the general public that have expressed outrage: Be aware that you barely reacted when two women outside your peer group were kidnapped a few days earlier. They still haven't been found, and kidnapping victims that aren't found alive within 48 hours rarely survive. Many of you lumped the crimes together after the fact, but everyone knows you weren't that motivated until it hit closer to home. As for letter writing campaigns, send them to Wayne County Prosecutor Kim Worthy. Judges are supposed to remain objective, and therefore really shouldn't be reading those types of letters until there is a guilty verdict, and the sentencing hearing is scheduled.
  • To the peers of the victims: If you don't have specialized training to counsel this type of victim, don't offer any unless directly asked. Even I know better than to offer any. Also, be more careful about what you're expressing on facebook. Unintended hints were given that might have allowed someone to identify a victim.
  • To the young woman who was almost the fourth victim: If anyone even tries to suggest that you should have done more, or hypothesizes on what they would have done in your place, you are entitled to strike, stab, or shoot them. The law doesn't agree, but I'm sure there are scores of sympathetic people willing to collude and provide an alibi for you.

This doesn't belong under the heading of a guide, so it doesn't deserve a bullet point. I know the chances are slim that one of the victims are one of my five readers, but I'd like to express something to them anyways: I'm so sorry this happened to you. Multiple governmental institutions, and maybe even American society at large failed to prevent this. (Also, don't scroll down any further. This post ends with an image you might not be ready to look at)

As we all wait impatiently for the wheels of justice, we'll have to settle for this:

You also have the option of getting yourself thrown into Wayne County Jail on some pretense, just for the opportunity of punching this walking colostomy bag in the face.

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Detroit Hipsters

My creepy but humble blog gets traffic from some odd search results. I'll get traffic from searches like "orange jeans" (all those searches originate in Europe), "marcie bolen jason stollsteimer", and even "jeremy freer douche". The keyword search phrase that gives me more hits than all of those combined is "detroit hipsters". Aside from a few posts mocking their fashion cliches, I don't have much material on the subject. I now finally have a place to redirect all that traffic. The brand spanking new blog But *I'm* Not a Hipster. You're Welcome.

And for all you Brooklyn jag offs, stop combing through the internet for references to Detroit hipsters. Hope all you want, but Detroit's hipster population will never reach a height that will alleviate the hipster stigma of your own neighborhood. You've got more hipsters in two city blocks than Detroit has in all of its 143 square miles.