Friday, June 15, 2012

The Dead Sea Scrolls



Here's an excerpt from a zine called Fuck Everything that's being passed around. Or maybe it came from some bulletin board. Whatever. I've tried to keep it in its original format as much as possible. That includes a few obvious spelling mistakes, and the nonsensical drivel at the very end. Some of the material seems like it must be from farther back than 2004, but until the results of the carbon dating comes back from the lab, I'll just have to take the date at face value.

Remember zines? The "publishers" would have to ask around to everyone they knew, find out who worked at an office, and if they could scam free copies after hours. It's so much easier to just spew drivel onto a blog. Hurray for progress!

In a distant future, what new format will reprint my awful rants?

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Posted 25 February 2004 - 12:09 PM

DETROIT SCENE REPORT

The Detroit scene has been shitty ever since the French got here in 1701. And now it's at an all time low. Take the Wednesday Family Funciton at Alvin's. They say it's the hippest night in town, but really all it is is a place where 15 year old white chicks go to scare their rich suburban parents by blowing as many black dudes as possible. I'm not sure what kind of shitty music they play here, or if it's music at all. Mostly it sounds like someone farting into a synthisizer and you can't tell when one boring dirge ends and another begins. The only things intertesting being mixed here are stiff drinks for my underage friends. The only good thing about this shithole dump is that the chicks bathroom is at the top of a steep flight of stairs surrounded by tables for your perverted viewing pleasure. At least you can get a boner for your $5.00 cover.

Speaking of shit holes I wouldn't be caught dead in, there's Zoots. The place is named for some flea bitten doberman and if there's a single square inch of this dump the dog hasn't pissed and/or shat all over, I've yet to find it. That's the up side compared to the hopelessly wimpy indyfags who play there, or the pencil dicked assholes who come to listen. Even worse than the fact that Greg Baise hangs out there every night is the fact that it's so cramped that you can't avoid having him bore you to death with trivia about bands so shitty that even Matt Smith thinks they suck. Between the "music" the crowd and the mere threat that Michael Cooper could walk in at any time, there's nothing about this joint that doesn't suck shit. I recently heard that this dive closed down, but to tell you the truth I wouldn't notice if it had.

The most interesting thing about Detroit is that it sucks in about ten different ways at once. Take the East Side, for instance. At least before I-696 was built it was hard to accidently get to the East side, and even better, it was harder for people from the East Side to escape. Imagine the worst shit you ever took, and then imagine eating it. Then you'll be ready for the East Side. Bands like Walk on Water, Forehead Stew, and Big Block suck in a way that no other band in Detroit could ever hope to suck. The East Side is the land where Punk Rock never happened, where dickheads with feathered hair traded in their Iron Maiden records for Soundgarden records and let their mustaches grow into goatees sometime last year. If you've ever hated someone so much that you wanted to kill their whole family, chances are they came from the East Side. Fuck this place in the ass with a tree trunk.

They say Royal Oak was cool about 10 years ago, but then again the people who say that are usually former East-Siders or Ann Arborites who were so desperate for a place that didn't suck shit, that they mistook this backwoods redneck dump for a real city. These days, it's nothing but a millionth-rate Melrose: overpriced resale stores, crappy yuppie restaurants, and brain-dead punk rock kids with Misfits tattoos hanging out on the street trying to scare people like my parents, who could give a shit anyway. Apart from shoplifting from Off the Record, there's no reason to ever waste your time in this fuck hole.

Hamtramck is the place where old punk rockers go to escape the riducule of the world. And now that the incredibly shitty Falcon club has turned into the even shittier Motor Lounge, it's also the place where cigar-smoking, lounge-music listening suburban fuckwads go to hang out with their rich, trendy, shithead friends who have to drive an hour to get there and then pay some retard $5 to park their car on some Serbian family's lawn.

But if rich over educated hippies are what you hate, take a little ride to one of the shittiest places in the world, Ann Arbor. It's impossible to decide who sucks more the frat boy jock assholes, or the greasy, hippy, stupid hat wearing punk retards who make up the so called underground scene. In one fucked up day, some old fat ugly hippy whore gave me shit for cold cocking Shaky Jake, some zit faced fuck at Village Corner confiscated my fake id, and I got a ticket for torching an anti-aparthied shanty. I don't care that the Stooges or the MC5 took shits there a million years ago, You'd have to go to San Francisco to find music worse than what comes from here. It's hard to describe the Ann Arbor sound, except to say the only truly happy Ann Arborites are the deaf ones.



DETROIT'S INDIE SCENE: WHAT A BUNCH OF FUCKING ASSHOLES

Everyone knows that indie scenes everywhere all suck my fetid ductbutter, but Detroit's is especially rank, and should be avoided like a Gallagher concert. Detroit's scene sucks so bad, that even if you're from fucking Ohio you'd swear that everyone in it had to be joking. But even if they were, it's about as fucking funny as that meatwhistle Tim Allen. The only saving grace about the Detroit indie scene is that the same 6 or 7 shitheels make up practically all of Detroit's lame-ass indie bands, which makes wasting them all with one grenade a very tempting possibility. You don't have to know that that pretentious pansy-ass fuckhead Warren (who calls himself Warn, just to prove how much he sucks) DeFevre fucks that alien/ vampire-looking chick from Godzuki to know how inbred and ugly the Detroit indie scene is. Even a fucking Canadian would notice that the only people at the fucking shows are the other unbelievably bad bands who are on the bill.

All through history, Detroit's bands have been characterized by having no musical talent, no imagination, and the readiness to snag the shittiest fucking band names ever. Sure, His Name Is Alive may sound shitty enough to make you wish you were listening to the actual Beach Boys, but what the fuck does that name even mean? And let's not forget that that tubesteak Warn not only klicked it on stage with a Nick Cave Mullett in Elvis Hitler (I could shit a better band name), but also was in the unforgivably shitty Snake Out, who covered the Hockey Night In Canada Theme and got laid for it. These assholes are not simply lame. They should be killed. What I've been put through by bands like His Name Is Alive, Mog, Godzuki, Free Wade, Aces High, Fuxa, Windy and Carl, and Princess Dragon Mom is a million times worse than anything Hitler ever did.



BIG IN DETROIT

Anywhere else, they're humiliated and ignored, but in the cultural backwater of Detroit they're the most popular assholes in town

Becoming well known in Detroit is about as difficult as shitting your pants, but not nearly as cool. So imagine how fucking stupid you'd have to be to actually think that you're hot shit because your picture was in Orbit. Really fucking stupid, that's how. These people are better known for being pathetic assholes than for anything they've ever tried to do. But people like Hobey Echlin, Niagara, and Bill Bonds actually think people give a shit about what they do, when in reality they've never done anything not worth burning.

Being an egomaniac and a shithead is one thing, but being an egomaniac and a shithead in Detroit is utterly pathetic. When all you can say is that Thom Jurek thinks you're the best thing since the last shitty thing he liked, it's time to hang yourself. If there were any justice in the world, Niagara and that fat smelly cokehead who calls himself The Colonel, along with anyone who was ever in the Stooges, Destroy All Monsters, Negative Approach, The Romantics or the Trash Brats, would all be doing hard time. But no, they're out there making assholes of themselves as if to remind us that not only did Detroit suck 15 years ago, it sucks now and will most likely suck forever. Fuck the crime rate, carjacking, crack cocaine, and Coleman Young, these assholes are what's really wrong with Detroit.



Top 10 Things to Hate About Hobey

10. His name9. He smokes cigars8. Majesty Crush7. He's thinks he's a median. He wants to be an actor. He plays in a ska band4. Anything he's ever written3. dbass2. He's a greasy-haired asshole1. He's a junkie



DETROIT HALL OF SHAME

by Tokin' Strickland

Motown: If it wasn't for this boring happy-ass dreck, there'd be no oldies stations to piss me off today.

Alice Cooper: Could there be a bigger faggott anywhere? That bald fag Matt Pinfield on MTV is ten times as scary as Alice Cooper will ever be.

Bob Seger: It was as true then as it is now: If you have a beard, you suck.

MC5: I once saw Rob Tyner on the street, and he was dressed like Maude, but he was way fatter. At least he had the sense to die before the reunion tour.

Stooges: If Iggy was ever cool, I don't know what the fuck happened to him, because today he's one of the biggest assholes I've ever seen.

Ted Nugent: Proof positive that in Detroit, any hillbilly retard can be a rockstar.

Destroy All Monsters: Too old to be punk, and too lame to be hippies, these art fucks have never been able to convince anyone that they're any good, so they became Dark Carnival and really started sucking.

The Bonerz: If you thought only new punk rock bands suck nuts, think again. These guys were shitty way back when Sid Viscious was still shooting up.

Negative Approach: I saw a guy in record store who claimed to have been the singer of this band, but I told him that he was just an old hippie. The next day, I saw the same guy digging through garbage trying to find returnables, so it might have really been him after all.

Majesty Crush: Their former band, Spahn Ranch, used to sit down to play. But their even wimpier next band, Majesty Crush sat down to pee.

Mule: They were called Nigger Lover, till they wimped out and went P.C. and became N.L. Mule, and then just Mule. A lot of junkies think they're great, but most people just think they're the worst band ever.

Getaway Cruiser: This year's next big thing, next year's last next big thing.

SLEEP - Chris Gerrard looked older than my dad, and he used to sweat so much he was like a fucking human sprinkler.

Big Chief - I don't understand why anyone would ever want to pretend they were black, but I also don't see why anyone would ever want to be on Sub Pop. The day this band held the press conference to announce their breakup is now a statewide bank holiday.

Hoarse: For fans of the Goo Goo Dolls, Soul Asylum, and No Doubt

I.C.P.: White guys who dress like fuckin' clowns and sing rap music to white brats. Something this stupid could have only come from Detroit.

Kid Rock: White rap for assholes. Vanilla Ice with Tourrette's

Techno: Thankfully, most people in detroit don't even know what that word means.

Beer on the Penguin: Played Paychecks to seven people for seven years, then broke up.

Trash Brats: Look like the New York Dolls, sound like the Toy Dolls. Have been playing to the same forty people for nearly forty years.

Polish Muslims: This is the first local band to have a member die of old age, but I'm sure it won't be the last.

The Romantics: They say this band was a one-hit wonder. I wonder what that hit was.

Salvador's Deli: Only people in Ann Arbor could think of a name this fucking stupid (see also Park the Karma, Walk the Dogma, Surreal Estate, Clitty Cat, and Arwulf Arwulf)

Map of the World: If Talking Heads actually were retarded, they would move to Ann Arbor and be this band.

The State: Shitty enough to be popular among people who write for Maximum Rock N Roll. Too bad everyone there hated them too.

Mitch Ryder: Made his career singing other people's songs. Spent his spare time sucking other people's dicks.

The Up: They wanted to be the MC5, but turned out to be the SUCK5.

Grand Funk Railroad: Their names were Mark, Don and Mel, and they expected people to believe they could rock. Proof positive that Flint, Michigan is in fact the shittiest place to live in the world.

Coldcock: Their single was called "I wanna be rich" and now the singer sucks cock as an A&R man for Sony.

Figures on a Beach: Everyone called them Fags on a Beach. Everyone was right.

Youth Patrol: Their 30 second songs seemed to last an eternity.

Fate Unknown: For some stupid reason, every shitty hardcore band used to have a theme song, and this one was the very worst of them all.

Cult Heros: Their talentless singer was notable only for being the only black white panther.

The Affiliated: They were Affiliated, everyone else was infuriated.Someone once got an Affiliated tattoo. They've since had that limb removed.

Urgent Action: If God took a shit, it would be this band.

Cynicide: Still shitty after all these years. They claim to be the first punk rock band in Detroit. They also claim they don't suck.

Crossed Wire: Sounded like 1982 U2 in 1987. They may have been hopelessly dull, but at least they were unoriginal.

The Volebeats: The only thing funnier than these suburban jackassess lame attempt at a country band is Matt Smith's rapidly thinning hair.

It's Raining: Not only has Matt Smith been in enough bands to fill at least five lifetimes, but he can also claim the distinction of having been in the very shittest band of all time.

Cathouse: Has anything ever been as annoying as the cacklings and shriekings of the pretentious art-fuck theater chick who sang for this band? Even people who didn't hate them called them Catbox.

Angry Red Planet: The annoying mugging and hate-worthy antics of the bass player made Flea from the Not Good Chili Peppers look like Keith Richards.

3-D Invisibles: Too bad they weren't the 2-D Inaudibles.

Gargoyle Sox: Goth. From Detroit. Need I say more?

Hunting Lodge: From Port Huron. You guess the rest.

Second Self: Their album sucked so bad they couldn't even get their own label to release it. Andy Nehra now goes around telling everyone how cool he is.

Shock Therapy: The singer's name was Itchy, but his current wife refers to him as the Fat Retard.

Herb Tarlicks: These assholes have a lot to answer for, having spawned an endless stream of "wacky clothes and funny songs" theme bands. Death is too good for them.

Goober and the Peas: The best part of their live show was when the singer hit the midget in the ass with a board. They were so stupid they went around telling everone that they would get booked on the Tonight Show because someone used one of their T-Shirts to clean up Jay Leno's vomit.

Bobby East: Says he's 25, but he's really 55. But he doesn't look a day under 75.

Motor Dolls: Three whores who wish they were L7

Solid Frog: should be called runny dump, formerly known as Slam Circus. These guys suck bad!

Mog: Fucking suck!Fucking suck!Fucking suck!

Wig: the last time these dudes had a show, people were wearing powdered ones!

Only a Mother: only a mother fucker could dig this offense to the ear.

Laughing Hyenas: see Negative Approach

Fuxa: Pronounced like "fuchsia" but sounds like "shit."

See Dick Run See room clear. See ears bleed.

Slot: After they kicked out the dirty hippie, they started making music that you might expect to hear at funerals, only funerals are usually much more fun.

Sponge: had their mothers used sponges, we wouldn't have to endure these ninnies' 15 minutes of fame.

Vudu Hippies: I don't think there's ever been a good band in history that had the word Voodoo in their name.

The Variac:Formerly known as Forehead Stew. Better known as the Very Wack.



Media in Detroit

Metro Times: So shitty it makes you wish you couldn't read.

Jam Rag: I'd like to jam a rag down the throat of the stupid hippie asshole who publishes this piece of shit. It's been said that this mag has been responsible for more people leaving this city than the 67 riots.

Orbit: I don't know anyone who's ever read this mag, but they say it really sucks shit. It may be free, but judging from the bundles I see in dumpsters everywhere, they can't give it away.

Motorbooty: To be honest, I don't really care what these boring college snob asswipes write about, all I know is there's never pictures of hot indie chick snatch, so who the fuck cares.

Hour: I heard the chick who publishes this waste of paper is hot, but even if she came over and blew me, I would still hate it.

The Free Press and Detroit News: When some of these old fucks went on strike, they combined the two papers to try and make one good one. But still I'd rather wipe my rancid ass with a fistfull of broken glass than with this paper.

Etch: Slightly less shitty than the rest of the crap around here, at least I can keep up with the St.Ignace VFW hall gigs, but since they called my band poseurs, they should suck my nuts.



Detroit Radio

89X:This so called cutting edge station is the home of fucked up sellout goatblower bands like the Smashing Assholes or Rage Against the Latrine. They should take the cutting edge and slash their own wrists.

The Planet So bad they actually want to be like their brothers in shit, 89X. If they have one decent record there, I'll felch a drifter on TV.

WRIF You're never more than five minutes away from the worst song ever written if you're stupid enough to dial up this crap. Arthur P. (short for peckerwood) is the hairy old asshole I always hear on here who makes me want to fuck myself up with a claw hammer.

WDET Public RadioYou'll find no relief from the diarrhea that you got from WRIF if you accidentally turn the knob a little to the right, because you'll step right into a big pile of shit known as public radio. I'd rather clean a public toilet with my tongue than listen to public radio

The RiverBetter known as the rimmer, if you like lesbian folk or if you wear diapers welcome home fuckhead.

The Bear:I wish compound bows could backfire, because it would be excellent if Ted Nugent killed himself in a hunting accident and spared us the misery inflicted by his show.

WHFR:The radio equivalent of cable access garbage, more dead air than a graveyard.
Take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back.
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#4   timpop

4 comments:

  1. If you think this is from 2004 you're terribly ill-informed

    FE was done by Dave Merline and based on the touchstones of this piece, i'd place it more at 1996

    to be fair, Merline was overly gross and had zero standards, so much so he earned the nickname "Fuck ANYthing"

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    Replies
    1. Thanks for clearing that up. I think the lab I use employs a bunch of stoners or something, because they take forever to get carbon dating results.

      Delete
  2. palling with Strickland is about as smart as your meth habit. be warned.

    ReplyDelete